Signs of health relationship

 You don’t have to see each other every day;If you can, then why not? But you don’t have to nag each other about you or your partner coming over just because you haven’t seen a glimpse of each other for the day (yet). For long-distance relationships, if you can insert that five-minute Face Time before you head for work (and before he hits the sack), then great. However, you don’t feel it a requirement for you to start your day right and for him to cap his day off with it.

 And this isn't about not making time for seeing each other, it’s just that you've reached a point in your relationship when you've realized the difference about being there and being clingy. Minus the Skype, Face Time and whatever video call apps you use, you are present. And he knows that.

You don’t have to update each other of the most minute of details;like if you've already eaten, what you had for lunch, etc. every. single. day. You aren't absorbed in the world you've created just for you and your boyfriend. Your boyfriend coexists with all the other characters and elements of your world. He’s a part of it  maybe a major part of it  but not it.

You don’t impose your friends to be his friends and vice versa;If they can be friends by themselves without your pushing and shoving them together, wouldn't that be a bonus? But you respect both your guy and your friends and know that how you relate to his friends (or how he does to yours) isn't an area where anyone could pass a judgment to your compatibility as a couple.

You don’t (try to) impress each other with the most expensive of gifts;If both of you can afford it is a different story. What I’m saying is there are some couples who spoil each other (or just the other) with very pricey items when that single present already equates to a month’s total of his or her net pay. You've reached a maturity with finances and both of you would rather plan on your anniversary getaway or a major investment for your future.

You don’t torture yourself with boredom to death by pretending to like what he likes;Your guy enjoys video games; you enjoy your books. Your guy enjoys outdoor sports; you enjoy a cup of coffee in your little nook. He listens to pop music; you worship The Script. While you give a chance for each other to get a peek of your world, you don’t force him into being in yours.

You don’t care what he sees anymore when you’re without makeup and/or fresh from slumber; You’re past those days when you thought that you always have to put your ‘best face’ forward. You've become comfortable with being all natural. You've seen your beauty without makeup in his eyes.

You don’t support him in all his rants and complaints about the world;When he needs a good sermon, it’s you he hears it from. If he’s wrong, you tell him. There’s no sugarcoating when you think he needs a slap of reality. You don’t condone his wrong acts, you correct him. You don’t feed him with false “it’s okay”s.

 

You don’t act like a curfew officer anymore;

You know he’s going to have to make some time for his friends and you know he’s going to have to stay some nights out. You know him well to be sure that he’s going to go home when he thinks it’s time. And you respect his judgment of “it’s time”.

You talk about the specifics of the future; 

...10 years, 20 years from now. You share dreams of tomorrow. You see him in the big scenes of what lies ahead. You see him as your partner in accomplishing these dreams.

No buts, no ifs. He is your ally;Whatever, whenever, wherever. It’s always going to be you and him against the world. You can take on whatever life throws at you because you know he will always be somewhere there — either holding your hand before that big jump or just an inch behind you as you take that most dangerous step that you have to take by yourself. But you’re never really alone in the most literal sense; you will always have a sidekick.

You value his thoughts. He values yours;He has a say on the major changes in your life so as he does to those in yours. His opinion is taken in earnest because you know he’s one of the few people in the world who would sincerely and selflessly want the best for you. He would give it to you straight and simple. Sometimes, his thoughts would open you up to new wavelengths of thinking, make you affirm those thoughts that you already hold or make you totally say no to some that you haven’t been sure about.

You don’t really see or consider him as a boyfriend anymore;He has become more like a brother? Err. No. He’s more like a brother and lover combined. He’s somewhere between those two. Not a brother, no longer a boyfriend, not yet a husband. LIFE MATE? That’s more like it.

Are you dating a tomboy? Know these things!

Tomboys may be more fun than girly girls, but they are not very easy to understand. It could be pretty tricky to date one as their choices and hobbies will be completely different from those you have dated before.Here’s what you need to know about dating a tomboy.

Indulge her hobbies:

Unlike girlie girls, who talk nineteen-to-the-dozen about looks, make-up and DRESSES, the tomboys will be more into sports, geeky gadgets and tech stuff. Indulge her! Isn’t it the best thing to have happened to you? You get to hang out with a chick who likes things that you like! Even if she is a cocky know-it-all, you’ll have a great time.

Don’t expect knight in shining armour moments:

She is as tough as she looks…maybe even more. So don’t wait for her to call you when she is stuck in the middle of nowhere. She will figure out a way and won’t bother you with her sob stories. If you’re a tough man who wants his woman to be a weakling, dating a tomboy isn’t a good idea for you.

Play with her competitive streaks:

She will get a rush out of you playing with her competitive streak than you complementing her on her sleek new boots. If she is a football fan…tease, prod and debate with her. Argue till you both are exhausted and crying tears of joy!

She is a girl, don’t forget that!

She may be tough and rough. But she is a girl, don’t ever forget that. She will also be PMSing, get emotional and love the little things in life. Being a tomboy doesn’t mean that she won’t get hurt, upset and lost. Let her know this without patronizing her.

Don’t ask her to change:

You like her for who she is. And when you started dating her, you know what you had signed up for. So don’t ask her to change into a ‘girl’ just because you’re threatened by her personality. Think of all the fun you have and the edgy energy she brings to your life.

Knowing you are in Love With The Right person

Once you’re in love with someone, it’s hard to remember how you lived without him or her. Of course, you were alive before you met this person, but you really didn’t start “living” until the two of you met. I remember when I first fell in love with my girlfriend; it was a very scary feeling, as I had managed to elude love for the entirety of my life before her. I specifically remember the transition from when I liked her to when I began to love her. She went from being someone who made me smile to being the greatest catalyst of the happiness and joy in my life. She went from a gorgeous girl I met to the most beautiful girl I know. She went from my crush to the love of my life. Everyone experiences love differently, and at different times. Even the meaning of love is extremely subjective, but I say for certain that anyone who’s experienced it knows it’s the best feeling ever.

 Here are ways to know if you might be in love — rather than in like — with someone:

The first person you think about; your love will be the first person you think about when you wake up and the last person you think about before you go to sleep. When something good happens to you, this is the first person you want to tell. When something bad happens to you, you look to this person for support.

The best part of your day; As Childish Gambino said, “When I’m alone, I’d rather be with you.” Seeing my girlfriend is always the highlight of my day. If you really love someone, you never truly get tired of him or her. No matter how great your day might be going, your special person will make it better. When you just like someone, he or she might make your day better, but probably isn’t the best part.

Prioritize above your own needs Love is selfless. I was the most important person in my world until I met my girlfriend. Once I fell in love with her, her needs became much more important than my own. This is just how love is. Your needs always seem trivial in comparison to your significant other’s needs.

You’d do anything; If I tried to construct a list of things I wouldn’t do for my girlfriend, the list would be pretty empty. When you’re in love with someone, you do whatever you can to make the person happy. When you like someone, you may feel like there is a lot you would do for the person, but you have your limits. True love knows no limits.

You love the imperfections; My girlfriend is the most beautiful girl I know, but she does have some imperfections. But, to me, they’re not imperfections — they’re unique qualities and things I love. When I tease her about them, she thinks I am making fun of her, but I am truly just admiring them. Love is the ability to know and accept someone’s faults. You may know the imperfections of a person you like, but having the capacity to embrace them likely won’t happen unless you fall in love.

You are never afraid to express your feelings in public; I have this semi-bad habit of telling the world how in love I am with my girlfriend. When you’re truly in love, you want everyone to know. You are not bashful about your feelings by any means. When you like someone, there is a lot of holding back on how you feel.

You think long-term When you’re in love with someone, it’s hard to imagine a future without the person in it. For this reason, you will think long-term about how you can build a life with this person. You won’t give in to short-term temptations that might mess up your long-term goals. When you just like someone, thinking long-term can be pretty scary.

You become a better person No one is perfect; we all have room for improvement. But, being in love will force you to work on these things. You want to become the best version of yourself for the person you love. I am a better person now than I was before I met my girlfriend.

Your feelings are unconditional when you love someone unconditionally, it means that your love knows no conditions and is absolute. I don’t actually like the term “unconditional love” because I think it’s redundant — I believe all true love is unconditional. When you like someone, your feelings change depending on the condition.

Your love is your best friend; I believe this to be true for most people who fall in love. Your significant other becomes your partner in crime. You feel like, together, you can take on the world.

Kwa wale wanaotarajia kuoa/kuolewa

 

• Usioe wala kuolewa kwasababu ya sex.
• Usioe wala kuolewa kwa sababu tu umri wako unakuruhusu.
• Usioe wala kuolewa kwa sababu umechoka kuwa single.
• Usioe wala kuolewa kwa sababu umempa/umepata mimba.
• Usioe wala kuolewa kwa sababu ni mzuri au anapesa sana.
• Usioe wala kuolewa kwa sifa.
• Usioe wala kuolewa kwa sababu tu unapenda harusi.
• Usioe wala kuolewa kwa sababu eti marafiki zako wote wameoa/wameolewa.

 But:

• Oa ama olewa kwa sababu unataka kutimiza ulilojipangia.
• Oa ama olewa kwa sababu unataka upate msaidizi katka maisha yako ambae atakupokea kwa mikono jinsi ulivyo na si atakavyo.
• Oa ama olewa kwa sababu unataka kutimiza ahadi yako.

Dalili za mahusiano mabaya (Toxic relation)

Nikisema mtu toxic namaanisha wale watu ambao wanakuumiza akili, moyo, confidence yako na hata mawazo yako. Hizi ni dalili 5 tu ambazo zitakusaidia kujua kuwa huyo mtu ambaye upo naye katika mahusiano ni toxic ama la.

1.Katika malumbano kati yenu yeye huwa anataka kukuumiza wewe na sio kusuluhisha tatizo kati yenu.

Jamani ndugu zangu, mnatakiwa kujua kuwa ili mahusiano yenu kuwa mazuri, kuwa perfect, wewe na mwenza wako mnatakiwa mtafute njia ya kusuluhisha matatizo kati yenu. Lakini kama kila ukigombana na mwenza wako yeye always anatafuta tu njia ya kukuumiza wewe basi that person is TOXIC. Haimaanishi kuwa hamtakiwi kugombana, kila mahusiano kuna matatizo.

2.Wanafanya kila kitu kama ni mashambulizi.

Mfano ukienda kwa mwenza wako na ukataka kuongea naye kuhusu kitu ambacho hukupendezwa nacho, labda kitu alichofanya this week au alichosema. Unaweza ukamuendea kwa upendo wote lakini yeye akachukulia vibaya.

Ili kujua  hili, fikiria kwa sasa katika mahusiano yenu, Je unauhuru wa kumuendea mwenza wako kuhusu jambo lolote? Huna uwoga kwamba nikimuambia kitu fulani ataishia kukasirika tu, kama huwezi basi ujue kuwa haupo kwenye uhusiano salama.

3.Wanakufanya wewe ndio sababu ya kila tatizo katika mahusiano yenu.

Hapa inakuwa kila tatizo, kila kitu kibaya kitakachotokea ndani ya mahusiano yenu ni kosa lako, wewe ndio utakuwa unalaumiwa kwa kila kitu. Utaambiwa kuwa wewe ndio tatizo na wewe ndio huelewi. Badala ya kukubali kuwa yeye ndio amefanya kosa ni lazima tu atatafuta njia ya kugeuza mambo na kukufanya wewe ndio uonekane ndio mwenye kosa.

Toxic people yani wanajua kudanganya na kuendesha watu. Wanaweza kukufanya kuwa wewe ndio mwenye tatizo hata kama yeye ndio mwenye kosa. Ukimuacha mtu kama huyo kuendelea kukuendesha au ukiendelea kuwa katika mahusiano na mtu kama huyo ni lazima ataharibu ujasiri wako, no matter how strong and confident you are.

4.Atakuonesha upendo mkubwa sana pindi ukiwa chini.

Tatizo kubwa la toxic people ni kuwa baada ya kukuumiza, kukusingizia vitu, kukufanya ujisikie huna maana, ( ndipo watakufanya uamini kuwa yeye tu ndio anakupenda, kuwa hakuna mtu mwingine zaidi yake yeye atayekupenda, na ukiamini hiki ndio kinampa nguvu ya kukufanyia chochote anachotaka ). So baada ya kukuumiza na wewe ndio upo at your lowest point, hapo ndio atakuonesha upendo kubwa zaidi ya siku zote, akishagundua kuwa umeumia ndio na yeye hujishusha.

Hii ni kwasababu katika kipindi ambacho wewe unaujsari na huumii, yeye anajiona kama hana nguvu juu yako, na hivyo  anataka yeye ndio awe mwenye nguvu.

5.Anakuwa hana Furaha na mafanikio yako.

Atakushusha hata kama unafanya vizuri katika maisha yako, ni lazima tu atatafuta njia ya kukufanya uone kuwa mafanikio yako sio ya muhimu, like it is not a big deal. Hata kama umefanikiwa kupata kitu ulichokuwa unakifanyia kazi kwa muda mrefu, kamwe hatosherekea na wewe, atabadilisha topic, na kuanza kuelezea kitu kingine au atatafuta tatizo lolote tu.

Hii ni kwasababu toxic people wanapenda wewe uwe chini, usimpite kwenye chochote, iwe mshahara mnayopokea, mafanikio mnayopata, furaha yaani kwa kila kitu yeye ndio anataka kuwa juu yako. Yeye tu ndio anataka awe mtu anayekupa furaha ndio maana atakuweka chini kwa kila jambo zuri litakalokutokea ili ukisha-break sasa yeye ndio apate nafasi ya kuja kukunyanyua tena.

Aina za wanaume waliopo kwenye mahusiano ambao wanawake wanawavumilia tu

(1) Wanaojiona kama Wafalme (King Husband);

Hii ni aina ya wanaume ambao hutaka kusujudiwa kama wafalme na hupenda kuwafanya wake zao kuwa kama watumwa. Hawafanyi chochote ndani ya nyumba kazi yao ni kutumatuma hata kama mke anaumwa atapaswa kuamka na kupika, wanataka waheshimiwe wao tu na mwanamke akikosea kidogo ni maneno au kipigo. Mwanamke hana kauli ndani na mume akiingia nyumbani ni kama bosi anavyoingia ofisini, wote kimya hakuna hata kuongea.

(2) Wanaume wanaojihisi bado hawajaoa (Bachelor Husband);

Hii ni aina ya wanaume ambao hawawashirikishi wake zao kwa chochote. Hufanya mambo kama vile bado hawajaoa, hutumia muda wao mwingi na marafiki zao wakifanya mambo ambayo mke hata hayajui, mke anaweza kustukizia tu mume kanunua gari bila kumshirikisha na mume haonyeshi hata kujali kuweza kumshirikisha. Hajali kama ana mke na mda mwingi huutumia akiwa na marafiki kufanya mambo yasiyo na msingi ambayo hayana mnanufaa yoyote katika ndoa yake.

(3) Wanaume wenye gubu (Acidic Husband);

Hawa hukasirika kila mara tena bila kua na sababu ya msingi, mambo hayaishi, kosa la mwaka juzi anaweza kukukasirikia leo. Wamemuudhi kazini hataki kusemeshwa na mnanuniwa nyinyi, mwanamke akiomba hela ya chakula ni shida ni kununa kutwa nzima, wanahasira na nirahisi kumpiga mke.

(4) Mume wa kila mtu (General Husband);

Hawa wanajifanya wasamaria wema, wanajali kila mwanamke, wanajali marafiki wakike wa mke na wakwao kuliko wanavyowajali wake zao. Mke anaweza kuwa na shida akasema hana hela lakini rafiki akampa. Wana marafiki wengi wakike na mara nyingi huwa hawaachani kabisa na ma X wao, wakiwalalamikia wanawasaidia kuliko hata wanavyowasidia wake zao wakati wakiwa na shida.

(5) Wanaume wanaojifanya wagumu (Dry Husband);

Hawa wanajifanya wagumu sana, hawana yale mambo ya kimahaba na wao hujua kuwa ndoa ni kuleta chakula tu na kushughulika kitandani. Hakuna kuongea na hawajali hata hisia za mke, mke akiongea kwao wala hawajali wanajifanya ni vidume sana na wanaona mambo kama vizawadi, kupiga simu, kutuma sms, kusema nakupenda, kununua maua ni mambo ya kike, yaani hawaonyeshi juhudi yoyote kuwafurahisha wekea zao.

(6) Wanaume wanaopenda kutumia wake zao (Panadol Husband);

Hawa huwa wanaume pale tu wanapokuwa na shida, wanakuwa na wake wazuri wanaowajali lakini wao wala hawajali. Wanapomhitaji mwanamke, wanapotaka mwanamke awafanyie kitu flani basi huja na maneno mazuri na hata kuleta vizawadi, wanajua udhauifu wa wake zao na huutumia kuwalaghai kuwatimizia mahitaji yao lakini wanapotimiziwa tu basi husahau hata kama wanawake, hawajali tena.

(7) Wanaume ambao hawataki kukua (Baby Husband);

Bado wanatabia za kitoto, hawawezi kufanya maamuzi yao wenyewe mpaka kuuliza kwa ndugu zao, mtu kaoa lakini kila siku humpigia simu Mama yake kuuliza hiki na kile. Yaani wakiongea kitu na mke nilazima aulize ndugu kwanza ndiyo kipitishwe na mke akifanya kosaakidogo kazi nikulinganisha mke na ndugu zake, mbona flani alifanya hivi, flani anaweza fanya zaidi na mambo kama hayo. Kwa kifupi hawawezi kufanya maamuzi na mkewe, ndugu zake hasa Mama yake anakuwa kama shemeu ya ndoa.

(8) Mume Mtalii (Visiting Husband);

Hawa wanakuja nyumbani kama wageni vile, mume ataihudumia familia yake kwa kila kitu lakini hawezi kuipa muda wake. Akirudi mke na watoto wamelala ni kugonga na hana sababu za msingi za kuchelewa, hata mwisho wawiki hupenda kutumia na marafiki au ndugu lakini si na mke. Hakuna kitu cha pamoja ambacho anafanya na mkewe au watoto wake, kila akiingia tu anakua na safari ya kutoka yaani hata atoke akakae nnje tu lakini si kukaa na mke au watoto.

(9) Wanaume wanaofuatilia kila kitu (Stalking Husband);

Hii ni aina ya wanaume ambao hufuatilia kila kitu, huchunguza kila kitu mwanamke anachofanya na hawampi pumzi. Akienda sehemu atachunguza anaenda na nani na alikutana na nani, huwa na wivu wa ajabu ajabu na kila saa huhisi wake zao ni wasaliti. Kila mtu mwanamke anayeongea naye wa jinsia tofauti huhisi ni mchepuko na hata marafiki wa mke wakike pia huhisi wanamkuwadia, kwakifupi hampi pumzi mwanamke.

(10) Mwanaume mbahili (Miserly Husband);

Huyu anaweza kuwa na hela lakini mbahili ajabu. Akimpa mwanamke hela atafuatilia matumizi yake mpaka senti ya mwisho, anafuatilia mpaka mambo ya jikoni. Sukari ikiisha anataka ajue iliisha ishaje na kila mara huhisi mke anamuibia hela labda akajenge kwao, huwa msumbufu sana na mgumu kutoa hela. Mwanamke akifikiria mchakato wa kuomba hela kwa mume hukata tamaa na wakati mwingine kuamua tu kukaa kimya na matatizo yake.

Hiyo ni baadhi tu ya aina ya wanaume ambao wanawake wengi wasingependa kuwa nao. Kama mwanaume upo hivyo jua mke wako hafurahii na anavumilia tu. Ndoa ni furaha amua kubadilika na usimfanye mke wako kuishi na wewe kwa kujilazimisha. Kama ni mume jiulize uko namba ngapi hapo na kama ni mke mezea namba ya mumeo.

Ukiona dalili hizi ujue ashadata kwako

1. Atakutega kupata attention yako.Hufanya mambo ambayo yatamfanya kuona kama unampenda au lah! Mf wa mambo hayo ni kujifanya anaumwa na kuangalia respond yako kwake ni kiasi gani unamjalina kiasi gani utahangaika kwa ajili yake.

2. Haoni aibu kugusa sehemu yako yamwili. Msichana anayependa haoni aibu kukushika mkono ama kukutomosa au hata kukumbatia. Kwa kufanya hivyo hujua kuwa kwa asilimia kubwa hisia zakushikana kwenu kutamrahisishia kazi yakuwa na wewe.

3. Kucheka kwa nguvu hata kwa kitukisicho chekesha endapo wewe umezungumza. Mara nyingi ataonesha uso wa furaha hata kama si furaha ya kweli.

4. Wivu hujisikia wivu anapokuona na wasichana wengine. Ukiwa unachat nao na ukiwaita majina ya kimahaba hapendi.

5. Anakumbuka siku zako muhimu.Hukumbuka kama vile siku yako yakuzaliwa hatoweza kuisahau kufanya ipite bila kukutakia heri ya siku ya kuzaliwa kama sivyo ukifaulu mtihani au chochote katika maisha yako atakuwa mbele kukupongeza.

6. Eye contact anapenda kukuangalia machoni muda wote ambao mtakuwa mkizungumza pamoja akidhani kuwa utaelewa ni kiaisi gani anakupenda kupitia vile ambavyo anakuangalia.Ila wengine huona aibu kuwatazamawavulana wanaowapenda si wote wanaujasiri wa kuwatazama wapenzi wao.

7. Hupenda kukaa mudamwingi na wewe. Hawezi kupoteza hata sekunde ukimuhitaji kwa mazungumzo. Anajisikia furaha kukaa na wewe muda mrefu bilakuchoka. Anaweza akaacha kila kituanachokifanya ili ajumuike na wewe.

8. Yupo tayari kuangamiza kama msichana anakupenda yupo tayari kusacrifice. Ni kitu ambacho hakuna mtu ambaye anaweza akafanya kwa mtumwingine. Utaona vipi huyo msichana alivyo kwako na wa wengine.Yaani yupo tayari yeye akose lakini wewe upate na kwa mwingine anaweza akamwambia hana alichoombwa, lakini akakupa wewe kama pesa na vitu vingine.

9. Anachukulia matatizo yako kama ni yake. Unapomueleza kuwa ana tatizo anajali tatizo lako kama vile ni lake na hujisikia vibaya sana na kuhuzunika na atafanya lolote ili aweze kukusaidia utoke katika hilo tatizo.

10. Mikwaruzano ikitokea katika urafiki wenu hayupo tayari kukupoteza kabla hajakuambia anakupenda. Kwa kuwa anakupenda endapo ikatokea mikwaruzano basi atafanya juu chini kuyaweka mambo sawa ili asikukose.

Proven Signs you’re in Love

2016 is approaching to an end. You have a Valentine…but are you really in love with him or her? With your head spinning from all the heart-shape chocolates and red roses, it can be tough to figure out. Fortunately, scientists have pinned down exactly what it means to "fall in love."

Researchers have found that an in-love brain looks very different from one experiencing mere lust, and it's also unlike a brain of someone in a long-term, committed relationship. Studies led by Helen Fisher, an anthropologist at Rutgers University and one of the leading experts on the biological basis of love, have revealed that the brain's "in love" phase is a unique and well-defined period of time.

"This one's special"

When you're in love, you begin to think your beloved is unique. The belief is coupled with an inability to feel romantic passion for anyone else. Fisher and her colleagues believe this single-mindedness results from elevated levels of central dopamine  a chemical involved in attention and focus  in your brain.

"She's perfect"

People who are truly in love tend to focus on the positive qualities of their beloved, while overlooking his or her negative traits. They also focus on trivial events and objects that remind them of their loved one, day-dreaming about these precious little moments and mementos. This focused attention is also thought to result from elevated levels of central dopamine, as well as a spike in central nor-epinephrine, a chemical associated with increased memory in the presence of new stimuli

"I'm a wreck!"

As is well known, falling in love often leads to emotional and physiological instability. You bounce between exhilaration, euphoria, increased energy, sleeplessness, and loss of appetite, trembling, a racing heart and accelerated breathing, as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of despair when your relationship suffers even the smallest setback. These mood swings parallel the behavior of drug addicts. And indeed, when in-love people are shown pictures of their loved ones, it fires up the same regions of the brain that activate when a drug addict takes a hit. Being in love, researchers say, is a form of addiction.

"Overcoming the challenge made us closer"

Going through some sort of adversity with another person tends to intensify romantic attraction. Central dopamine may be responsible for this reaction, too, because research shows that when a reward is delayed, dopamine-producing neurons in the mid-brain region become more productive.

"I'm obsessed with him"

People who are in love report that they spend, on average, more than 85 percent of their waking hours musing over their "love object." Intrusive thinking, as this form of obsessive behavior is called, may result from decreased levels of central serotonin in the brain, a condition that has been associated with obsessive behavior previously. (Obsessive-compulsive disorder is treated with serotonin-reuptake inhibitors.)

"I wish we could be together all the time"

People in love regularly exhibit signs of emotional dependency on their relationship, including possessiveness, jealousy, fear of rejection, and separation anxiety.

"I hope we stay together forever"

They also long for emotional union with their beloved, seeking out ways to get closer and day-dreaming about their future together.

"I'd do anything for her"

People who are in love generally feel a powerful sense of empathy toward their beloved, feeling the other person's pain as their own and being willing to sacri?ce anything for the other person.

"Would he like this outfit?"

Falling in love is marked by a tendency to reorder your daily priorities and/or change your clothing, mannerisms, habits or values in order for them to better align with those of your beloved.

"Can we be exclusive?"

Those who are deeply in love typically experience sexual desire for their beloved, but there are strong emotional strings attached: The longing for sex is coupled with possessiveness, a desire for sexual exclusivity, and extreme jealousy when the partner is suspected of infidelity. This possessiveness is thought to have evolved so that an in-love person will compel his or her partner to spurn other suitors, thereby insuring that the couple's courtship is not interrupted until conception has occurred. [5 Strange Courting Rituals from Around the World]

"It's not about sex"

While the desire for sexual union is important to people in love, the craving for emotional union takes precedence.  A study found that 64 percent of people in love (the same percentage for both sexes) disagreed with the statement, “Sex is the most important part of my relationship with [my partner]."

"I feel out of control"

Fisher and her colleagues found that individuals who report being "in love" commonly say their passion is involuntary and uncontrollable.

"The spark is gone"

Unfortunately, being in love usually doesn't last forever. It's an impermanent state that either evolves into a long-term, codependent relationship that psychologists call "attachment," or it dissipates, and the relationship dissolves. If there are physical or social barriers inhibiting partners from seeing one another regularly for example, if the relationship is long-distance then the "in love" phase generally lasts longer than it would otherwise.

Ways to Love Your Lover (2)

Here are some nonsexual ways to cherish your wife through words and acts of affirmation. And by the way, these are nonsexual so that you speak her romantic love language. It's important to remember that you are not doing these things to get something in return. Perhaps she will reciprocate in your language back to you, but that's not your goal. 

Put down the newspaper or turn off the computer, and say, "Why don't we go for a walk and talk? I'd love to hear about your day."

Compliment the way she handled the conversation.If you overhear her engaged in a difficult situation on the phone or with a child, 

Initiate daily prayer with her. This one spiritual discipline has transformed millions of marriages. Make a commitment, and then begin to pray together every day. Begin by giving thanks for her and your family, then pray with her about her worries and challenges. Ask her to pray for you about a challenge you are facing.

Say, "Thank you," after every meal she serves. Then help her clear the table or offer to do the dishes with her.

Tell her how much you appreciate her desire to handle it in a godly manner.If she has wrestled with a specific spiritual issue (such as gossip, envy, a lack of compassion).

Express appreciation for her doing the laundry and folding your clothing.

Each day try to say, "I love the way you _______ ," and fill in the blank with something you've observed.

When your wife irons your shirts or picks up the dry cleaning, say, "Thanks, Honey, for taking such good care of me."

When the alarm goes off in the morning, wrap your arm around her, press your body next to hers, and cuddle for several minutes. When you leave, say, "I wish I didn't have to go."

The next time you go to dinner, say, "You've had a tough day, Sweetie. Why don't you pick the spot tonight?"

When you are together in a crowd, find a way to brag on her. Say, "My wife is such an amazing cook," or "I've got the best wife—her ______ never ceases to amaze me."

The morning after making love, touch her tenderly, and tell her how wonderful it was to be with her.

With your wife in the room, tell your kids, "You've got the best mommy in the world. Isn't she great? I just love her so much."

Help her put the kids to bed each night.

Ways to Love Your Lover (1)

Here are some nonsexual ways to cherish your wife through words and acts of affirmation. And by the way, these are nonsexual so that you speak her romantic love language. It's important to remember that you are not doing these things to get something in return. Perhaps she will reciprocate in your language back to you, but that's not your goal.

Hug and kiss her every morning before leaving the house. Research indicates that marriages that practice this simple discipline are much healthier than those that don't. If she's sleeping, leave her a note, or gently kiss her forehead and whisper, "Have a wonderful day, sweetheart."

Reach across the front seat of the car when you drive and hold her hand, even for a few moments. Allow your fingers to become entwined.

Write, "I'm crazy about you, Honey. You're the best!" or another personal message on a yellow sticky note. Attach it to her bathroom mirror.

Call her from work and say, "I've been thinking of how good I have it with you in my life. Thanks for all that you are as a woman and all that you do for me and our family."

Get a pair of tickets to a ball game, theater, or concert that she'd like to go to, make a sacrifice. Instead of going with a buddy, tuck them in her purse with a note saying, "You deserve a night off. Have fun with a girlfriend."

Go an entire day without criticizing anything about her. Instead, try to notice her doing something that you really appreciate, and tell her how much you value her.

Go to bed at the same time with her for a week; just talk or read a book and share the quietness together. Or play a card game that you used to play when you dated or were just married.

Brush her hair and compliment her hair and eyes.

While she studies her face in the mirror, come up behind her and gently kiss the back of her neck. Say, "God broke the mold after He made you. You are so beautiful."

Call her or send her an e-mail midafternoon and ask her how her day is going.

Try your hand at making breakfast on Saturday morning. Tell her she deserves a break and should feel free to sleep in.

Take her car to the gas station, fill the tank, vacuum the floor mats, and clean the windows. When you park it at the house, leave a note on the dash with just a heart and the words, "Thinking of you."

Write her a short love letter in which you list several ways that she has blessed you this year.

Resurrect common courtesies. Start opening the car door for her as you did when you dated, pull out her chair for her at the dinner table, offer your arm while walking down stairs, and help her put her coat on.

If she's doing the laundry, pull yourself away from whatever you're doing and offer to bring the hamper.

Things to Remember About Sex

It’s no surprise that many husbands and wives think differently about sex. And these differences can easily become a source of conflict in marriage.

What husbands should remember about sex;

Movies sex is made up. It’s a fantasy.

The people in romantic scenes in movies are actors. Don’t try to measure your marital sex against what you see in a romantic film.

Your wife needs a safe and secure relationship.

In order for her to engage in sex with heart and mind and body, she needs to know that you will be there for her, that you are committed to her, and that she is your one and only.

Your wife wants to have sex with a companion, not with someone who simply shares her mailing address. If you’re not spending time having fun together in all kinds of settings, she’s going to be less motivated to be with you sexually.

There is no secret formula to arousal.

If you think you have found a secret formula, and you attempt to repeat the recipe, your wife will change the secret. Women don’t want to be figured out. They also don’t want to be manipulated.

Your wife is insecure about her physical beauty. She sees all the flaws. Watch what you say to her.

What wives should remember about sex

Sex is God’s idea.

He created it and gave it as a good gift to husbands and wives in marriage. It is a key part of His plan for how we become one in marriage.

For most men, sex is a big deal

And it’s not because men are perverted or ungodly. God delights when a husband and wife enjoy marital intimacy.

 How you respond to your husband when he initiates sex is critical.

To be uninterested can communicate a lack of respect and honor for him. I’m not saying you need to say yes every time he initiates. But when you say no, explain why in a way that still affirms your desire for him.

Sex is a marital discipline.

 It’s a part of how we serve each other in marriage. It is wrong for a wife to use sex as a reward or a lack of sex as punishment. The Bible clearly teaches that husbands and wives are not to deprive each other in this area.

Men are visually oriented.

No matter how you see yourself, he is stimulated by sight. Again, God is the One who made men with a desire to see women naked. And the only legitimate way for your husband to satisfy this God-given desire is for you to let him see you naked.

Men in romance novels and soap operas are made up.

The strong, sensitive, caring men portrayed in most romance novels are fictional characters. No husband can live up to the near perfection an author presents.

Ways to Create a More Romantic Bedroom

The one place where marital fidelity is most intimate is the BEDROOM is often treated as a storeroom for clutter. Instead, the bedroom should be a place where love and romance are cultivated, encouraged, and celebrated. This is the ONE ROOM where you and your spouse can enjoy the relationship that God created for you to share, so there should be special attention paid to it.

Women are especially affected by the state of the bedroom because they feel connected to the home in a personal way. We often see the home as an extension of our personalities and style. The colors, wall decorations, furniture, pictures, etc., are all selected based on what we want others to know about us.

Put away clutter.

Everyone has them—stacks of bills, coupons, random newsletters that haven't been read … the list goes on. And since you don't want to forget about them (or maybe you just don't know where to store them), the default system is to make a stack on the dresser or CHEST OF DRAWERS in your bedroom. Perhaps the dirty laundry has found a gathering place on the floor next to the bed. And all those pictures, candlesticks, decorations, and children's painting that you are planning to find a place for have found their way to the tops of your bedroom furniture.

If you want a romantic bedroom, all of this clutter must go somewhere else. To help de-clutter, put large items in a BOX and store them in the hall closet or under the bed, and stack loose papers in tall baskets, preferably with lids, that can double as hiding spaces and decor.

By simply straightening up the room, you'll be less burdened without the constant reminders of looming projects and feel more relaxed.

Don't use your bedroom as storage.

 This is similar to the previous suggestion, except this is a more permanent problem. As much as possible, remove stored items from your room. This requires an investment of time. Take a day to sort through the stored items and decide which need to be put away in their proper place, given away or sold, or moved someplace else for continued storage. Then take advantage of hidden spaces in your house to store the leftover items. Use places such as:

Space under beds. Invest in storage boxes that are made to fit under the bed and roll for easy access. If you are storing toys and children's clothing, utilize this space in children's rooms, as well.

Trunks. Depending on the size, trunks can double as tables and/or decorations in a bedroom or living area. It gives both an aesthetic value and a practical one.

Baskets. This is another valuable de-cluttering item. You can fill baskets with storage and put them on a bookshelf or under tables as decorations.

Choose colors that soothe.

 The color scheme you choose for your bedroom is as IMPORTANT as the decorations. The reason is that colors have a way of connecting with emotions. Sharon Hanby-Robie and Deb Strubel, authors of Beautiful Places, Spiritual Spaces write, "Decorate your home with the colors you and your family love. It doesn't matter what the latest trends are or what the FASHIONgurus think. What does matter is that you love your home and that your choices make sense for you and your family."

If you don't know what colors and styles you like, start looking through home magazines and catalogs. Tear out the pages that have colors and designs you are drawn to. Soon, you will begin to see a pattern develop, and you can use these ideas to decorate your own bedroom.

Use decorations to remind you of special memories.

 Frame and display photos from your wedding and honeymoon, or from other special times together.  Frame a copy of your wedding vows. They will remind you of how your love blossoms and grows over the years.

Take out the television. Spending time in front of the television keeps the attention off of your lives and onto shadows of life. Before you know it, your time together before bed slips away through the world of media. Bob DeMoss, author of T.V.: The Great Escape, wrote, "I am convinced that the simple decision to unplug TV [even] for just one month has the power to revolutionize our relationships with our spouse, our children, our world, and most IMPORTANTLY with our God." Just by the simple act of removing the TV, you open up free time to reconnect with your spouse in a special way without distractions. 

Play romantic music. There is something in music that can make or break the mood in a room. In his book A Minute of Margin, Dr. Richard A. Swenson writes, "We can't explain what [music] is, where it comes from, or why it works. One person warbles her vocal chords while another blows on his pipe—and somehow it soothes. Music is free, is equally available to every person, and has a powerful healing effect on the human spirit."

Whether you use a full stereo set with surround sound, or simple iPod speakers, find a way to play music in your bedroom. Choose a variety of music that soothes both you and your spouse, whether it's a collection of standards, classical, or soft rock, and don't forget to include songs that carry special meanings and memories. Make it a habit of putting on your favorite tunes to both relax and create a loving mood.

Wear an attitude to match.

 A beautiful bedroom only provides half the romance. If you give your spouse the cold shoulder, or use the bedroom to manipulate to get what you want, it will not be the warm place of love that it was meant to be. Work to make your time in the bedroom a time of building up your marriage emotionally and spiritually. Pray together regularly, avoid getting into conflicts before bedtime, and make efforts to communicate in loving ways. If you practice these things, no matter how your bedroom looks to the eye, the heart will recognize it as a place of true love.

Rebuilding a Marriage

I was devastated when my husband told me out of the blue four years ago that he did not want to be married any more. He had an irrepressible urge to be free and start a new life but was scared to act on it in case he regretted throwing everything away. We had always been so close, I could not comprehend what was happening. I scoured the internet for an explanation only to discover that he had all the symptoms of a mid-life crisis, even though he was only 35. It was terrifying to read about the anguish it caused, how it ripped couples apart, and terrifying that there was absolutely nothing I could do; it was something he had to sort himself.

When, after two and a half years of indecision, he finally decided to leave and end our relationship, I was shattered. Every source I consulted emphasized the partner’s need for space to resolve their crisis, but offered no advice as to how I could stand back and give them that space when I was so distressed myself. It was then that I stumbled on a Personal Tao and Casey’s rich teachings on midlife transition. He showed an understanding of the crisis that I could relate to. The idea of a spiritual divorce offered me a gleam of hope and I wrote to Casey asking for help. He showed me how to get through the pain by focusing on myself and my own growth. At first I was grieving so much it was impossible for me to think of anything but the partner and marriage I had lost. But Casey was patient and gentle and his instructions simple and practical, and with his encouragement I was gradually able to redirect my attention to my own life.

I came away from every skype session feeling brighter and more hopeful that life would get better. I had so many questions and Casey always had an answer. His tapes on what to do when your partner leaves and what to say when you talk to your partner proved invaluable: not only did they afford me an insight into the situation and offer me practical guidance I could follow, I could listen to them whenever I panicked and calm myself down. I learned that my husband needed to push me away in order to find himself. Knowing this, I was able to keep off the subject of our relationship when we spoke. With the pressure off, our talks became more lighthearted and pleasurable.

For the first eight months my husband and I only spoke over the phone, mostly at his initiative, and then after a chance meeting, we arranged to meet now and then. After eighteen months apart, my husband feels by and large healed, and we are now getting back together, this time based on our needs instead of expectations. After such a deep crisis and long separation, it feels like a miracle. It was the hardest time of my life. I was so broken, following Casey’s advice was a leap of faith. But Casey’s insights have proved correct and his strategies have worked. Over the past eighteen months, I have learned to be patient and discovered the rewards of letting things unfold over time instead of forcing the situation; I have become less needy and emotionally more self-sufficient; I have explored new activities and rediscovered old interests. Casey has enabled me not only to get through the pain, but to come out on the other side feeling whole, more realistic and in a better position to start again.

I am deeply grateful to Casey for his great wisdom, and wonderfully kind and patient support and encouragement. The few sessions I have had with his wife Jewelie were similarly insightful and supportive. I feel extremely privileged to have had them both at my side throughout this journey and I sincerely hope that others facing the ordeal of mid-life crisis will not hesitate to call on them for their life-saving and life-changing guidance.

Happily and Unhappily in Love

Finding a partner to happily share life with is a challenge.Until taking the time to be with yourself and be content with yourself… focusing in on the inability to find another person to be happy with… is just an excuse to not to work on yourself…

People seek Happily, Happily, Happily , Happily, Happily

 and all they get repeatedly is

Unhappily, Unhappily, Unhappily, Unhappily, Unhappily

A simple truth of Happily is…

Strangely, many people are happy at being unhappy.

It’s a personal choice. No one can magically fix being in an unhappy state if how you focus your efforts reinforces unhappy.

Be happy with who you are (Hint: it isn’t happiness, rather seek acceptance)…

and then over time find the partners that match your nature.

Or be happy at being unhappy and always be in a shitty relationship. Many people think they are working towards #1 but instead just focus at living in #2.As Yoda said ”There is no try, just do” Pick 1 or 2 and work at being in the zone you want to hold… Of course people at #2 never will admit they are happy … since they are unhappy.. It’s the perfect catch-22.

Enough said.

Plenty of people dwell and make their business in this zone of unhappiness. It isn’t worth spending much time propping up unhappiness. Oh it’s possible to spend lots of money going to counselors and psychologists reinforcing such bad behavior. But it’s a waste of relationship (time) to do so… No one can save a person not ready to be save… and likewise no cure exists for a person working actively at being unhappy… Which is why Taoism is so effective helping people since Taoism teaches how to release such behavior…

But only if a person is ready to release…

Here is a powerful trick from Taoism.  Happy and Sad define each other. To have one is to discover the other. So release each to a stronger root: Acceptance in this case. Living with acceptance, adding in a dash of grace… and you get what most people try to force as being happy.

Happily ever after really truly means:

Acceptance of each other and Graceful sharing over time.

How to find your soulmate

The first truth in how to find your soulmate is to understand the nature of a soulmate. It’s strange but most people don’t really sit down to figure out what a soulmate really is. As a result, people often force the wrong person into fitting the soulmate mold. If you want to know how to find your soulmate, then you need to actually “know”, rather than wing it in understanding what a soulmate is.

A soulmate is more than just physical chemistry, it includes mind (our stories) and spiritual (our flow) chemistry also. However, in the beginning of many relationships physical chemistry does tend to have the most powerful vote of the three aspects of our nature. Sadly physical chemistry is only enough to get two people 7 years along in their relationship (Hence the 7 year itch). To make the distance of 20 or more years you truly need mind, body and spirit all to agree on the chemistry.

Additionally, relationships with soulmates are still a relationship. All relationships have issues, even the best ones. A soulmate relationship might have fewer problems than most relationships, but even a soulmate relationship will have its challenges.

Taking time to be your own person.

 A soulmate compliments you. Your strength works with their strength. To focus in on your weakness, means you won’t find your soulmate. To live to your weakness is to find a person who compliments your weaknesses. Such a relationship is a co-dependent relationship. Co-Dependent relationships always burn out or move on in the end. Co-Dependency at first feels balanced, but the problem is as you change it spins out of control. So ironically for Co-Dependency to survive also means to always be staying within your weakness.

      Our soulmates will help us work out of our issues, help us acknowledge them and then find healthy ways to work with our flaws to always be growing. A soulmate will never hold us back in our issues. A soulmate will never always stop us from making mistakes. We need to learn form our mistakes and grow.

Non Judgment.

 We think we know who compliments us, we judge others who would be our best mate. Ironically people are blind to the missing aspects of their own soul and issues. It’s hard to use logic and find the person who compliments you. This is why dating services do such a poor job using algorithms to find a partner for others.

    Now a problem happens during the harder times of life.The harder points of life are when we judge our partners the most. Also if you happen to be at a point of life of great change or crisis such as adolescence, quarter-life crisis or midlife crisis, everything is shifting too fast to make sense of any of it. No one can know who their soulmate when they are in the middle of crisis. (this is why soulmates seem to break in crisis). Acceptance of a soulmate comes after crisis is passed, after you release all measurements of who is best for you. You cannot measure clothing for a child as if they were an adult! Likewise you don’t measure partners while you or they are in great change. Picking a person who is best for you in the middle of any crisis doesn’t match very well for later after you have grown up from your crisis.

 Awareness.

 In the end, without awareness a person is moving blindly in their life. Part of awareness is to explore and to be willing to meet and talk to different people in order to both understand chemistry and how we react to others. Awareness lets us work to our essence. To make sure that when we do find a deep connection, that the connection is complete of mind, body and spirit.

    Most importantly awareness, as a practice, is about connection. Without awareness equally from both parties, a relationship is blind and only one sided at best and will fail.

     Understand a person in crisis or midlife change has their attention totally focused on what they feel are required changes in their transformation. A person in midlife change will move away or fight back to reclaim their space from anyone, including soul partners, who gets in way of this personal reconfiguration process. This is why mid life transformation can and does break soul partners apart. One person needs to change while the partner resists the change. Two powerful mind states that come into direct conflict and it isn’t a fun time to experience at all.

 Patience and Acceptance.

Once one is patient enough to accept their life, relationships improve dramatically.

A profound truth:

Not every potential soul companion you come across will actually become a soul companion. It all depends on timing, conditions and other factors at the moment of meeting.

        Once you have taken the time to be your own person and grow. It improves the chances of your soul companion noticing you. After you have learned to be aware and not just react. It improves your chances of spotting a soul companion. It takes both of you to connect and for awareness of what that connection means for the process to truly begin. Once you have become patient, it improves the odds that conditions will be right to embrace your soul companion fully.

Signs of health relationship (1)

1. You don’t have to see each other every day. 

If you can, then why not? But you don’t have to nag each other about you or your partner coming over just because you haven’t seen a glimpse of each other for the day (yet). For long-distance relationships, if you can insert that five-minute FaceTime before you head for work (and before he hits the sack), then great. However, you don’t feel it a requirement for you to start your day right and for him to cap his day off with it.

 And this isn’t about not making time for seeing each other, it’s just that you’ve reached a point in your relationship when you’ve realized the difference about being there and being clingy. Minus the Skype, FaceTime and whatever video call apps you use, you are present. And he knows that.

2. You don’t have to update each other of the most minute of details...

 ...like if you’ve already eaten, what you had for lunch, etc. every. single. day. You aren’t absorbed in the world you’ve created just for you and your boyfriend. Your boyfriend coexists with all the other characters and elements of your world. He’s a part of it  maybe a major part of it  but not it.

3. You don’t impose your friends to be his friends and vice versa.

 If they can be friends by themselves without your pushing and shoving them together, wouldn’t that be a bonus? But you respect both your guy and your friends and know that how you relate to his friends (or how he does to yours) isn’t an area where anyone could pass a judgment to your compatibility as a couple.

4. You don’t (try to) impress each other with the most expensive of gifts.

 If both of you can afford it is a different story. What I’m saying is there are some couples who spoil each other (or just the other) with very pricey items when that single present already equates to a month’s total of his or her net pay. You’ve reached a maturity with finances and both of you would rather plan on your anniversary getaway or a major investment for your future.

5. You don’t use any filter when you talk.

 Finances filter, family filter, girlfriends/boyfriends filter, exes-filter, etc — everything is out in the open. Honesty has always been the best policy.

6. You don’t torture yourself with boredom to death by pretending to like what he likes.

 Your guy enjoys video games; you enjoy your books. Your guy enjoys outdoor sports; you enjoy a cup of coffee in your little nook. He listens to pop music; you worship The Script. While you give a chance for each other to get a peek of your world, you don’t force him into being in yours.

7. You don’t care what he sees anymore when you’re without makeup and/or fresh from slumber.

 You’re past those days when you thought that you always have to put your ‘best face’ forward. You’ve become comfortable with being all natural. You’ve seen your beauty without makeup in his eyes.

Love Life Cycle (Part 9)

• Nothing more beautiful than a confident girl who doesn't pretend to be something she's not, down to earth, & lets no guy define who she is.
• Tips4guys, Never give her a reason to doubt your feelings for her. cause even if your love is for real. she'd rather leave than deal with the pain.
• Girls... Go for someone who is not only proud to have you, but will also take every risk just to be with you.
• Guys, Its better to have your heart broken once by walking away than to stay and have it broken over and over again.
• Girls are superheroes. Because who else could bleed for 5 days and not die? 
• How girls answer questions: Are you free tomorrow?" "No, I'm very expensive!
• Girls.... Before you ask someone why they hate you, ask yourself why you even really care.???
• Guys... Don't bother making space in ur heart for someone who doesn't make an effort to stay.
• Guys, the day you tell a girl you like her maybe the happiest day of her life...
• "The worst thing you could ever do to a girl is, compare her with another girl.".
• Some girls can't sleep because they have insomnia. I can't sleep because I have Internet connection....
• Men hate when girls act dumb because they think it's cute.
•  Call a girl pretty and she will remember it for 5 minutes. Call a girl ugly and she will remember it forever....
• When a woman loses respect for you as her man, she will then begin to feel less attraction for you and when that happens, she will gradually begin to fall out of love with you.
• Maintaining a woman’s respect is essentially about being a strong, honest man that she can look up to, rather than a wimpy, unreliable man that she looks down on.
• Things like cooperation, kindness, communication, respect of her feelings, compromise, truly loving and accepting her for who she is and giving her your full trust are also elements that ensure she will continue to feel respect for you as a man. 

Lessons of failed relationships

When relationships end with significant others or friends, we are often left wondering how to pick up the pieces. We turn to friends and family who offer kind messages and sage advice on how to move on with our lives, but there are overlooked lessons we forget about as we process our breakups. 

1. Over analysis is the enemy of progress.

When a relationship ends, we may spend countless hours dissecting countless situations in an attempt to discover what went wrong. Our minds act like detectives, revisiting scenes and hypothetical situations to find clues and witnesses that attest to what caused the relationship’s end. We recruit friends to become therapists, as we relentlessly analyze our feelings about the one who is no longer a part of our lives. The hours we spend examining and re-examining the past are part of the healing process, but overdoing it can prevent us from living in the present and moving toward the future. Instead of spending hours trying to understand why a relationship ended, we can spend some of that time better understanding who we are without that person in our lives.

2. Treat yourself how you want others to treat you.

 If we leave a failed relationship feeling demoralized, disheartened and undervalued, we may also question if anyone will ever love and value our qualities, quirks and specialness (of course the answer to that is yes, someone will). Rather than looking to others to validate what makes us lovable and unique, we have to look in the mirror and start with ourselves. Treating ourselves the way we want others treat us means that we give ourselves compassion, love, patience and care. It also means that we create moments and experiences where we are able to shine and be our best selves.

3. Don’t fall into the blame game trap.

When we end a relationship with someone, we may try to assign blame by pointing fingers at ourselves or the other person involved. When we blame the other person, we can find ourselves getting angry or feeling justified for our own mistakes and transgressions. When the finger is pointed at ourselves, we feel guilt and shame, wondering if it was our own doing that caused the breakup. Yet, each perspective prevents us from understanding the key factors that contributed to a relationship ending, and from learning important lesson that can be used to strengthen current and future relationships.

4. Healing is not a linear process. 

The end of a relationship brings with it a spectrum of feelings where our emotions go from grief to relief, sadness to joy, and anger to excitement. As we travel along those spectrums, we may find that one day we feel like we’re on top of the world, to then feel instantly distressed when we see reminders of a past relationship. In that moment, we feel as if all of the progress we’ve made has gone down the drain, which is further from the truth. The healing process does not follow a straight line. Instead, it is more like a roller coaster where we can experience a multitude of feelings all at once.

5. You may relapse, and that is okay.

After we break off a relationship, we may vow to never see the other person again, and throw away mementos and keepsakes that remind us of him or her. However, a situation may occur within our lives that only that person will understand, or a holiday arrives where we feel compelled to see how he or she is doing. Infrequent text messages turn into phone calls, which become coffee dates, which lead to hanging out on a regular basis. Then old harmful issues arise, which cause us to feel so naïve, guilty, and ashamed for trying to rekindle something that should’ve remained in the past. When beat ourselves up over our relapses into old relationships, we should remind ourselves that each step back teaches us about recovery, as they give us the opportunity to know better in case there is a next time.

6. Remember the good, and not just the bad and ugly. 

Thinking about a failed relationship often causes us to recall how it ended and not how it began, or we focus on the other person’s negative qualities rather than appreciating the good ones. Sometimes, even if we have something more positive to say about our former friend or partner, we add a qualifier to our statement—“Marsha is a so creative, but was a horrible listener.” Focusing on someone’s negative qualities shows that we are still holding onto the anger and hurt that the relationship caused. Remembering the good allows us to keep a healthier perspective about the relationship. It also indicates that we’ve truly moved on from our failed relationship because we are no longer holding on to those negative feelings.

7. Forgiveness is the greatest gift to give yourself.

True forgiveness is one of the greatest gifts that we can give to ourselves because it means that we can let go of past hurts that impact the potential for present happiness. In forgiving ourselves for our mistakes or perceived transgressions, we give ourselves permission to recognize our humanity. We realize that life goes on, and that tomorrow is another day to learn a brand new lesson. In forgiving others we are able to release the power they have within our hearts and minds. That is not to say that we should try to be best friends with someone that’s done something hurtful to us. However, it means that we should let the anger, hurt, and disappointment be transformed into something brighter, lighter, and more meaningful so we do not carry that pain within us.

8. Happy diversions are great, until they are not. 

When a relationship ends, we may immerse ourselves in work, household projects, or hobbies. We become more social, trying to find new experiences, activities and people to fill the space in our lives left empty by the person we lost. In those moments we feel happy and excited to explore our interests and undertake new ventures. However, if we have not coped with the pain of a failed relationship, these happy diversions can bury feelings of hurt and sadness, until the day comes when they rise to the surface, putting us in a place of despair. Therefore, we should do those things that make us feel good about ourselves, while also processing the pain of a failed relationship.

Secrets of successful relationship or marriage

Before I begin, however, it’s important to dispel a common relationship myth relationships are (or should be) easy. That is simply not true. The grass always looks greener in other people’s lives, because few people share the truth of the amount of work that goes into relationships (hence why 50% of marriages end in divorce). Relationships  even the best relationships in the world require constant attention, nurturing, and work. If you can understand and accept the need for constant attention and work in your relationship, you’re started in the right direction.

1. Compromise

 Relationships are about not only taking, but also giving. If you find yourself not giving very much, or feeling resentful of how much you give and how little you receive back, you may be in an unequal relationship where one side is taking more than they are giving.

For instance, couples sometimes mistakenly believe that “love” will help them deal with any issue that comes up, and that if the other person truly loved you, they would just do as you ask. But people are independent with their own unique needs and personalities. Just because we found someone we want to spend our lives with doesn't mean we give up our own identity in the process.

2. Communicate

 Relationships live and die not by the sword, but by the amount of discussion. If two people can’t find a way to openly and honestly communicate their needs and feelings to one another, the relationship doesn't stand much of a chance long-term. Couples must find a way to communicate regularly, openly, and directly.

 This doesn't mean waiting for an argument to tell your significant other how much he bothers you with his throwing his clothes on the floor instead of the hamper. It means telling him when you feel the need to, and to do so in a manner that is respectful but assertive.

3. Choose Your Battles Carefully

 After marriage or when two people move in together, couples tend to discover pretty much the same thing no matter who they are – that they are two different people and living together is harder than anyone ever told them. Love conquers a lot of things, but it is no match for living day-in and day-out with another human being (especially if you've spent years on your own).

 Prepare yourself for this challenge by choosing what arguments you want to turn into a full blown battle. For instance, do you really want to start a fight over the toothpaste cap or how clean the shower is? Or would you rather reserve your energy for the discussions over finances, kids, and career paths (you know, the things that might really matter to a person). Too many couples fight and bicker over the dumbest things, especially when put into context of issues of true importance.

4. Don’t Hide Your Needs

 Sometimes when we enter into a long-term relationship, we put ourselves second, behind the other person’s needs and desires. We might give up working to have a child, or agree to move to another city to help support our significant other’s career. And that’s fine, but you need to be realistic first with yourself about whether such things really matter to you or not. If they do, you need to find a way to communicate such needs with your partner, and compromise where possible.

 Two people will rarely have exactly the same wants and desires out of life that’s just a fantasy. Instead, expect that sometimes your two paths will diverge. Express your needs at those crucial moments, but always find a way to do so respectfully and with an open mind.

5. Don’t underestimate the importance of trust and honesty

 Different people have different areas of concern, but almost everyone values trust and honesty from their partner above all. Why? Because your partner is the one person you want to be able to depend upon in the long-term, without question or doubt.

 Little things where your significant other hasn’t been completely honest shouldn’t be blown out of proportion, because virtually everybody tells little white lies (especially when one is dating). Focus instead on the big things, like if they say they’re a lawyer and you discover they’ve never even passed the bar, or they say they like kids but later on insist on never having one.

Strong relationships are like a really good conversation with someone you admire, trust and cherish – they are ever-changing, engaging, wonderfully rewarding and sometimes surprising. But in order to continue the conversation because you want to see what the person has to say next, you have to respect your significant other’s opinion even when you disagree with it.

And just like a good conversation, you need to work on keeping your end up too. You need to show attention and nurture the relationship constantly, just as you would nurture anything you value in life. You don’t just “get married” and that’s the end of it. Indeed, marriage is just the beginning of a long process of learning to openly and honestly communicate with another person in a respectful and caring manner.

If you’re up for it and follow these tips, you’ll be on a road to having a more successful relationship or marriage.