2016 is approaching to an end. You have a Valentine…but are
you really in love with him or her? With your head spinning from all the
heart-shape chocolates and red roses, it can be tough to figure out.
Fortunately, scientists have pinned down exactly what it means to "fall in
love."
Researchers have found that an in-love brain looks very
different from one experiencing mere lust, and it's also unlike a brain of
someone in a long-term, committed relationship. Studies led by Helen Fisher, an
anthropologist at Rutgers University and one of the leading experts on the
biological basis of love, have revealed that the brain's "in love"
phase is a unique and well-defined period of time.
"This one's
special"
When you're in love, you begin to think your beloved is
unique. The belief is coupled with an inability to feel romantic passion for
anyone else. Fisher and her colleagues believe this single-mindedness results
from elevated levels of central dopamine a chemical involved in attention and focus in your brain.
"She's
perfect"
People who are truly in love tend to focus on the positive
qualities of their beloved, while overlooking his or her negative traits. They
also focus on trivial events and objects that remind them of their loved one,
day-dreaming about these precious little moments and mementos. This focused
attention is also thought to result from elevated levels of central dopamine,
as well as a spike in central nor-epinephrine, a chemical associated with
increased memory in the presence of new stimuli
"I'm a
wreck!"
As is well known, falling in love often leads to emotional
and physiological instability. You bounce between exhilaration, euphoria,
increased energy, sleeplessness, and loss of appetite, trembling, a racing
heart and accelerated breathing, as well as anxiety, panic and feelings of
despair when your relationship suffers even the smallest setback. These mood
swings parallel the behavior of drug addicts. And indeed, when in-love people
are shown pictures of their loved ones, it fires up the same regions of the
brain that activate when a drug addict takes a hit. Being in love, researchers
say, is a form of addiction.
"Overcoming the
challenge made us closer"
Going through some sort of adversity with another person
tends to intensify romantic attraction. Central dopamine may be responsible for
this reaction, too, because research shows that when a reward is delayed,
dopamine-producing neurons in the mid-brain region become more productive.
"I'm obsessed
with him"
People who are in love report that they spend, on average,
more than 85 percent of their waking hours musing over their "love
object." Intrusive thinking, as this form of obsessive behavior is called,
may result from decreased levels of central serotonin in the brain, a condition
that has been associated with obsessive behavior previously.
(Obsessive-compulsive disorder is treated with serotonin-reuptake inhibitors.)
"I wish we could
be together all the time"
People in love regularly exhibit signs of emotional
dependency on their relationship, including possessiveness, jealousy, fear of
rejection, and separation anxiety.
"I hope we stay
together forever"
They also long for emotional union with their beloved,
seeking out ways to get closer and day-dreaming about their future together.
"I'd do anything
for her"
People who are in love generally feel a powerful sense of
empathy toward their beloved, feeling the other person's pain as their own and
being willing to sacri?ce anything for the other person.
"Would he like
this outfit?"
Falling in love is marked by a tendency to reorder your
daily priorities and/or change your clothing, mannerisms, habits or values in
order for them to better align with those of your beloved.
"Can we be
exclusive?"
Those who are deeply in love typically experience sexual
desire for their beloved, but there are strong emotional strings attached: The
longing for sex is coupled with possessiveness, a desire for sexual
exclusivity, and extreme jealousy when the partner is suspected of infidelity.
This possessiveness is thought to have evolved so that an in-love person will
compel his or her partner to spurn other suitors, thereby insuring that the
couple's courtship is not interrupted until conception has occurred. [5 Strange
Courting Rituals from Around the World]
"It's not about
sex"
While the desire for sexual union is important to people in
love, the craving for emotional union takes precedence. A study found that 64 percent of people in
love (the same percentage for both sexes) disagreed with the statement, “Sex is
the most important part of my relationship with [my partner]."
"I feel out of
control"
Fisher and her colleagues found that individuals who report
being "in love" commonly say their passion is involuntary and
uncontrollable.
"The spark is
gone"
Unfortunately, being in love usually doesn't last forever.
It's an impermanent state that either evolves into a long-term, codependent
relationship that psychologists call "attachment," or it dissipates,
and the relationship dissolves. If there are physical or social barriers
inhibiting partners from seeing one another regularly for example, if the
relationship is long-distance then the "in love" phase generally
lasts longer than it would otherwise.
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